‘Welcome everyone to my new “Soooz Says Stuff” page. I’ll be sharing with you all the crazy stuff I write, just for the fun of it! Post 1 ‘The Pleasant Pheasant Plucker!’

Every so often on my journey through this crazy world I have the urgent need to write ‘off the wall’ crazy stuff, just for the hell of it. I’ve decided to reserve a special page on my blog; the “Soooz Says Stuff Page” The following  is the result of one such trip into mayhem. The original Limmerick goes (I believe) as follows.

“I’m not the pheasant plucker

I’m the pheasant plucker’s son

I’m only plucking pheasants

till the pheasant plucker comes.”

 

Then we have my expanded alternate version: Pheasant Plucked image

WARNING! Dangerous when spoken in company … unless you are completely sober … and are in possession of teeth … preferably your own.

 

I am a peasant who plucks pheasants

Morning noon and night.

T’is no easy task this pheasant plucking

and, I just can’t get it right.

I pluck ‘em fast; I pluck em slow

Till I’m flat out on the floor

Doesn’t matter what I do,

there always is one more.

Now a peasant’s life’s no pleasant picnic

I truly kid you not.

But plucking clucking pheasants

Is the only job I’ve got.

I don’t really understand it

Perhaps I try too hard

Chasing pheasants to be plucked

Out in the plucking yard

The farmer’s kids stand watching

And laughing till they cry,

If I could be offended

I would be mortified.

But “a pluck’s a pluck” my mom says

And brother she should know

She pleasantly plucks pheasants

Everywhere she goes.

She is the princess of pheasant plucking

Her fame is world renowned

She plucks her way from shore to shore

And sleeps on duck plucked down.

She can pluck while seated,

She plucks standing on her head

I’ve heard tell she also plucks

Whilst lying in her bed.

Matters not which way I pluck ‘em

I cannot match her score

I just don’t understand it,

I really pluck ‘em raw.

After all this pleasant pheasant plucking

You think I’d quit the game

But no, not me, I go right on plucking

Till they all look the same.

At end of day when I’m plucked out

I can’t even raise a  peasant smile

I have a drink at the Plucker Inn

After I walk a country mile.

My friends all gather round me,

and give me drinks for free,

they kindly ask about my mother’s

latest, pheasant plucking spree.

One day as I was plucking pheasants

In my usual plucking place
A stranger came up screeching!

Cursing loudly in my face.

“My god! What are you doing?”

Is what she asked of me,

“I’m a peasant plucking pheasants,”

said I, “as you can plainly see.”

“Are you a fool?” she cried aloud.

“You haven’t got it right.”

“Don’t tell me that fair lady,

‘cause I pluck pheasants day and night”.

She slapped my pleasant peasant face

Then she screamed out fit to burst.

“If you’re going to pluck a pheasant, peasant
You’re meant to kill it first!”

 

I can hear you groaning from all the way down here in Oz!  … You were warned! 😊😊😊

 

 

 

 

Book Review: ‘Hurricane Kretschman’ by Jeff Lee. Book 4 of the ‘Adventures in La-La Land’ Series.

 

Meet the author.

Jeff Lee image for review
Jeff Lee.

Born in New York State, Jeff Lee was raised in the San Francisco Bay Area and has spent his entire writing career in Los Angeles.

For more than thirty years he has been a copywriter and creative director for some of the advertising industry’s most recognizable agencies, winning numerous awards for his creativity. None of those ad agencies are still in business, but Jeff appears to have a solid alibi.

Trained as a cook in the Army, he still enjoys being creative in the kitchen and admits that few things in life compare with the thrill of discovering you have just given a nasty case of food poisoning to 140 heavily armed men.

Jeff lives about halfway between Los Angeles and Santa Barbara, in a house he shares with his two sons and a cat that’s part golden retriever.

BOOK COVER HURRICANE KRETSCHMAN BY JEFF LEE JPG

HURRICANE KRETSCHMAN:

BLURB

All wisecracking, Harley-riding Repo Man and Bounty Hunter to the Stars Fish Fishbein wants is a cool vacation. It’s just him and his three best buds, potato-potato-potatoing down the highway — along with a force of nature named Shawna Kretschman, a bad-ass blonde with her own full-race hog. Not to mention a short fuse, serious fighting skills and an outfit that leaves zippo to the imagination. All lickety-splitting their way to Sturgis, South Dakota to link up with better than a million hard-drinking, harder partying Harley owners at the town’s annual Motor Cycle Rally.

But a high-powered real estate developer wants all the bikers gone, so he can sell the area as a family-oriented resort town. And he’ll stop at nothing – including murder – to get what he wants. Bikers and locals suddenly start dropping like road racers on a rain-slick GP course. And Fish, his friends and his big mouth are all in the developer’s crosshairs.

They’re on a hysterical collision course that includes phony cops, bar fights, pepper spray-laced paint balls, a no-holds-barred wrestling match in a ring full of chocolate pudding, getting adopted by the entire Sioux nation and manscaping.

The annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally might be an 80 year-old tradition. But it’s going to take all of Fish’s brains and a ton of luck to keep himself and his buds alive long enough to enjoy a few more seasons.

My Review 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 Hands-down, one of THE funniest Books I have read.

Every once in a rare while an author comes along with the comedic timing essential to writing a fast-paced one liner such as ‘Hurricane Kretschman’. Having been totally entertained by the three preceding books in this series, I was both curious and excited to see if this talented author could make me laugh out loud in public yet again. He did. Author Lee’s wonderfully creative touch has given substance to several amazing characters in his journey through the mayhem that is crafted within these pages.

Central character “Fish” Fishbein is more complex than you would suspect at first viewing. The layers of this hilariously funny and deeply caring man are peeled back slowly, and every clever line of dialogue is intertwined with the characters love for his crazy companions, Kenny and Einstein, as they decide to head across the USA to the Motor Cycle Rally to end all Rally’s in Sturgis, South Dakota.

His constant companions and partners in  … well … everything, are cleverly drawn. Well enough in fact, to become clearly visual and as equally lovable as they are chaotic.

To my delight (And Fish’s) a new character explodes into being along the way.

How on earth does a reviewer ever hope to encapsulate the outrageously funny, and often diabolically dangerous persona of Shawna Kretschman aka the Hurricane Kretschman of the books title.

Suffice it say that this beautiful blonde PTSD suffering, Harley riding ex-Military M.P with attitude to ‘die’ from …er … for, adds further dimensions to the reading enjoyment. She sets “Fish’s” pulses racing as fast as a hog on a racetrack. Has our hero found love at last?

Whether they live long enough to find that out remains to be seen.

Enter the villain in the unflattering shape of Dale Kimbrough, a land developer set on making the bikers (All of them) disappear so he can develop a family friendly place. What’s not family friendly about bikers?

Suffice it to say, bodies start appearing, and bad guys start disappearing in rapid succession. The developer badly underestimated just how much mayhem he was unleashing when he chose to take on our heroes.

I laughed out loud so often along the road of this amazing journey, it was indeed a pleasure to become reunited with author Jeff Lee’s superbly talented writing. I simply can’t recommend this book highly enough.

OTHER OUTSTANDING BOOKS BY JEFF LEE.

BOOK COVER JEFF LEE THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB FAREWELL TOURBOOK COVER JEFF LEE CHUMP CHANGE

purchase CHUMP CHANGE on Amazon.com

Purchase The Ladies Temperance Club Farewell Tour on Amazon.com

Purchase Hurricane Kretschman on Amazon.com

Jeff Lee Author Page on Amazon.com

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Preparing the Listeners for my spot on RRBC Tag Team 2* 4* 5 Blog Talk Radio!

G’DAY! … I am so excited to have been invited to take part in the upcoming edition of RRBC TAG TEAM 2* 4* 5. Airing on Saturday 22nd October at 12.00 Midday CT in the USA. (It will be 4:00 am Sunday 23rd here in OZ)

In the spirit of forever being helpful (Plus the fact that I’m just really strange) I decided that you lovely folks may need a little bit of assistance in translating  “Aussie Speak.”  (Hell I’d never even heard of some of these myself!) The word ‘CRIKEY’ is missing from the list…’cause not many people apart from the late Steve Irwin (Croc Hunter) ever use it.

rrbc-kangaroo-funny

I’m sending a copy to the hosts of the program Bill Ward and John Howell so they are well prepared for the utter confusion talking to me about anything, anywhere, and at any time often brings.

(Disclaimer) If I DO actually sound like this … PLEASE ignore! I’ll send a translator before I ever do a Radio Interview again. I kid you not.

 

Ace! : Excellent! Very good!

Arvo : afternoon
Amber fluid : beer
Aussie : Australian
Beaut, beauty : great, fantastic
Big Mobs : loads, a lot of
Bloody : very
Bloody oath! : that’s certainly true
Blue : argument/mistake
Bodgy : poor quality
Bonzer : great, ripper
Bottler : something excellent
Bottling :
his blood’s worth:
he’s an excellent, helpful bloke
Buckley’s chance :
(you’ve got)
no chance
Bull dust : rubbish
Cactus : dead, broken
Cark it : to die, stop working
Chocka : full up
Click : kilometre – “it’s 20 clicks away”
Come a gutser : a bad mistake or have an accident
Come good : turn out ok
Cooee, not within : figuratively a long way away
Cost big bikkies : expensive
Crack a fat : get an erection
Cream, to : defeat by a large margin
Cut snake :
(mad as a)
very angry
Dead dingo’s donger :
(as dry as a)
dry
Deadset : true / the truth
Dingo’s breakfast : no breakfast
Dinkum / fair dinkum : true, real, genuine
Dinky-di : the real thing, genuine
Docket : a bill, receipt
Doco : documentary
Drink with the flies : to drink alone
Dunny rat :
(cunning as a)
very cunning
Exy : expensive
Fair dinkum : true, genuine
Fair go : a chance / break
Fair suck of the sav! : exclamation of wonder, awe, disbelief
Furphy : rumour
G’Day : hello!
Give it a burl : try it, have a go
Give it away : give up
Going off : good fun
Good oil : useful information, a good idea, the truth
Good onya : well done
Grouse : great, terrific
Heaps : a lot
Iffy : dodgy
It’s gone walkabout : it’s lost, can’t be found
Kangaroos loose
in the top paddock :
Intellectually inadequate
Kick the bucket : to die
Knock back : refuse
London to a brick : absolute certainty
Lunch :
(who opened their?)
OK, who farted?
Mate’s rate : cheaper than usual for a friend
Mate’s discount : cheaper than usual for a friend
No worries! : no problem / its okay
Nun’s nasty :
(as dry as a)
very dry
Piece of piss : easy task
Pig’s arse! : I don’t agree
Plate, bring a : Instruction to bring a plate of food to a party
Pozzy : position
Quid, make a : earn a living
Rack off : get lost! get out of here!
Reckon! : for sure
Ridgy-didge : original, genuine
Right : okay
Ripper : Great
Rooted : ruined, broken
She’ll be apples : It’ll be all right
She’ll be right : it’ll be okay
Sparrows fart : dawn
Strewth : exclamation
Stoked : very pleased
Stuffed, I’ll be : expression of surprise
Too right : definitely
Turps, hit the : go on a drinking binge
Zack, not worth a : not worth anything

Talent Spotter #10. In celebration of an upcoming new release! By Author, Jeff Lee.

party_balloons-29

I’m delighted to present Author Jeff Lee, One of my all time favorite comedic writers!

Jeff has a brand new book coming soon, in celebration of that event he is giving away a copy of his well received and hilarious book ” Ladies Farewell Temperance Club’s Farewell Tour.” to one lucky reader who comments below.

Hold on to your hats, folks … here we go!

Talent Spotter for Jeff lee Cover for Ladies Temp leaughe

Talent spotter blurb piccie

The Ladies Temperance Club’s Farewell Tour

Vonda Mae Ables could never hurt a soul. Now she’s on the lam in a huge RV, with her best friends, gallons of Chardonnay and a stiff in the freezer.

Vonda has suffered her alcoholic boyfriend’s abuse for twenty years. But when she finally stands up for herself, she overdoes it and crushes his skull with a football trophy. Rather than turn herself in, she enlists her friends to help ditch the body. They stash the boyfriend in the freezer of his humongous RV and take off for Arizona, planning a quiet desert burial. Unfortunately, the plan goes more sideways with every mile. Vonda finally finds a likely place to plant the dead SOB, but now he’s frozen solid and stuck in the freezer.

Exhausted from their day of digging and unsuccessfully trying to extricate him, the women stop at a local cafe. While they’re drinking dinner, a gang of Harley-riding repo guys makes off with the RV and a Good Samaritan reports the theft. Vonda panics when the police arrive to investigate, knowing if the cops recover the RV and discover what’s in the freezer, she might have to turn that old trophy on herself.

Imagine THELMA AND LOUISE meets Lucy & Ethel — It’s about good friends, good wine, manslaughter and the lengths we’ll go for those we care about.

Here’s what just two reviewers had to say!

5 stars  “Quick – someone make this into a movie!!!”

From Mandy Ward “The Tiger Princess” (South Wales)

“…The story itself revolves around the active membership of the Newbury Park Ladies’ Temperance Club. Vonda, Kay and Francine are three close friends who support each other through the thick and thin of daily life, accompanied by as many bottles of wine as they can drink together.

 Vonda is married to Jack Thibideau and after one particularly nasty encounter with Jack’s taste in porn and alcohol, coupled with many good reasons for divorcing the guy, Vonda picks up a nearby trophy and does to Jack what any thinking person would like to do…

 The hijinks start after Francine and Kay find Vonda and decide to take her on a road trip in Jack’s luxury RV. They stuff Jack’s body into the RV’s onboard chest freezer and disappear into the night.

 This is one book you are going to find yourself snorting, cheering and laughing aloud at!

 Be prepared to have to read pieces out or explain what you are reacting to, or alternatively, you could suggest that the inquirer read the book themselves. Either way, it is a rollercoaster ride of emotion and entertainment from beginning to end.

 Jeff Lee has really captured the whole road trip movie feel and his characters are perfectly crafted, drawing you into the story and making you care about them in so few words. His descriptions at each pitstop they take and the encounters they have keep the story flowing nicely, especially after Fish and his Sidekicks get involved…

 This is a book that I think will lift the spirits no matter how many times you read it, and one that I can seriously see becoming a box office blockbuster.”

Review #2:

5.0 out of 5 stars “The Most Loveable Winos & Cast of Characters Ever!!!”

From D. D. Scott

I bought this book because I luuuvvved Author Jeff Lee’s blurb:
Thelma and Louis meet Lucy and Ethel

Great concept, right?!

But I fell in love with this book…and now have it on my cyber Keeper Shelf…because The Ladies Temperance Club is the most loveable bunch of quirky-crazy winos I’ve ever read!!!

And the secondary characters – Trailer Park and Diner Queen Ruby and her no-teeth, sweet-as-sugar hubby, Detectives Farley and Sturm, and the superfab Area 51 alien-hunting Icelandic boys – are a hoot and then some!!!

Not to mention the A-mazing one-liners throughout the entire book which had me LMAO from page one ’til The End.

Oh, and what’s not to luuuvvv about the well-endowed ceramic planters gracing the dashboard of the quirky-crazy winos’ RV?!

Rumor has it, Jeff is writing the sequel, and I know I’ll be one of the first to buy it!!!

And my own review!

Be warned..this book will make you laugh till you cry!


Format: Kindle Edition

This book should come with the attached warning…”Do not attempt to read this novel whilst drinking any form of liquid; it is guaranteed to make you laugh out loud and spurt the contents of your drink over the nearest available clothing/electronic equipment/intended mother-in-law.

I love a book that makes me smile; I love a book that makes me laugh…This book made me embarrass myself on a crowded commuter train…I snort when I laugh that much, what can I tell you?

Meet the three female rogues…Vonda, Fifty something and making every day count for something… including murdering the low life son-of-a-sleazebag that has made her life intolerable for twenty years. The miserly, scamming, dysfunctional, short, nasty piece of work named Jack Thibideau. He earned his early demise, and then some.

Francine: Ahhh…my personal favorite, innocent, loyal to a fault, funny without attempting to be and just plain lovable. Watching her evolve is a joy to read. She is one of life’s survivors seemingly a quiet soul with no insight in how to stand up for herself.

Meet Kay; Smart mouthed, sassy, and a friend to the end.

These three diverse women take off in an RV that takes up a city block…on a journey to lay the body of Jack Thibideau, stiff {for the first time on his sicko life}, and slowing freezing in the underbelly of the van somewhere where he can defrost and decompose in peace {Not that he deserves it.}

The journey is a delight; author Jeff Lee has drawn each and every character with an artist’s eye for detail, dialogue, and clever characterizations. His observations of people are acerbic and acutely accurate.

Every character no matter how minor the role they play becomes clearly visible to the reader, you see them, hear them and in many cases smell them as they are intertwined in a cleverly plotted fast-paced delight of a book.

What pleases me even more with Author Lee’s work is that the plot is carefully drawn with seeming ease, comedic writing is hard to maintain, the timing has to be perfect and seemingly effortless… yet it it is one of the most difficult genres to write well.

This is a gem. Written beautifully.

The evolution of the characters is paced well, each of our central figures begin to change; they grow along with the story. I care about these women; I want the ending to see each of them happy. That is the mark of an Author that shines…someone that stands out from the crowd; Jeff Lee made me care for these folks. He is a fine writer, and I have no hesitation in giving this a 5 star rating, and happily recommending it to all those who enjoy a damned good laugh and more importantly a good story well told.

Talent Spotter images links for Liza Oconnor

 Links to find Jeff Lee.

Amazon link: Purchase Here on Amazon U.K

FB Author Page: on.Jeff Lee on Facebook

REMEMBER..1 lucky reader will win a kindle copy of This book. Just be certain to leave a comment below.

And! Be warned … the LATEST book in the series is on its way…(Hurricane Kretschman) will be available soon!

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Talent Spotter #6 Featuring Author Gerry McCullough.

I’m delighted to welcome Best-Selling Author Gerry McCullough. This is her first venture into the genre of Comedic writing. Fans will just love it! I know I do.

Talent Spotter #6 Gerry McCullough Book cover

Talent spotter blurb piccie

 

 A comic fantasy, set in the not too distant future.  (CS Lewis meets Terry Pratchett.)

Merc Swingly – a young, naive employee of one of the seven multi-national companies, which control the world through figurehead politicians – dreams that the world has come to an end.

He is instructed by a weird creature, who calls himself a ”Third Degree Representative’, to go back and prevent this happening.

Sometime in the future, who knows how far away, all the things which people have been dreading and issuing warnings about for years are beginning to happen.

The planet earth has finally become one political unit. Its capital city is now called Nexus Luxuria. Luxury, after all, is clearly the thing most people have been aiming for all their lives.

Life has developed in an almost exactly similar fashion to the threatened forecasts. The world has at last achieved all those marvellous things we’ve at present only started to acquire for ourselves – global warming; over-use and exhaustion of fossil fuels; a third world with slave labour factories; globalization of commerce until just seven multi-national companies are running the entire planet (under a titular World President with seven Vice Presidents – a Government with no real power, but considerable wealth and status); and a population kept happy by recreational drugs, which are no longer frowned on but instead encouraged. In fact, an other-earthly paradise – not.

Oh, and at a guess the future time when all this is happening is about a hundred years ahead of ours.

Or is it only fifty?


From the best-selling author of Belfast Girls

READ WHAT REVIEWERS ARE SAYING ABOUT NOT THE END OF THE WORLD!

 

‘Wow…well what can I say! The book begins with a dream …and ends with a….fluffy kitten ( sort of)
I am not going to spoil the plot, so will just wish Merc,Seraphina,Kyra and the others the best of luck!

Seriously ( or not) this book had more than a little Terry Pratchett about it, especially in the characters and the humour. For me, it was a very humorous read. At times I found myself laughing out loud …but that’s my particular sense of the ridiculous!

The brilliance is in its ordinariness. It is a place we recognise, three dimensional characters we relate to, it is our world…just slightly off tilt. Merc tries to save the world, and also combat a ‘terrorist’ group. But everyone is popping pills and drinking alcohol. The world as we know it has become the world it possibly could be…but no one cares.
The book explores the humour in all tragedy. It is possible to converse with impossible people and beings, who appear to think sensibly, or at least use ‘normal’ language. It becomes a thriller plus a detective mystery which has clues and red herrings.

I found myself enthralled by the writing, and couldn’t put it down, staying awake very late to finish it.

I think Gerry McCullough could become the successor to Terry Pratchett, as she combines a fantasy world with the mores of the real one, using humour, great characterization, and truisms.

Underlying all her writing are messages to the reader about ‘what is really important’ just as the great TP used to do.
This is, however not ‘Disc World” but ‘This World’ with all its problems magnified into the ‘future’,
I hope to see Merc and the rest of the gang in more books, trying to help whoever needs them.
Excellent…highly recommended.’   Thea Hartley

‘Gerry McCullough combines a fierce and tight narrative drive with humour, imagination and lust. What more do you want?’   Malachi O’Doherty

‘Welcome to Luxuria, and Merc Swingly, young, naive employee of one of the seven multi-national companies in control of the planet, and possible saviour of Luxurias many wacky inhabitants.

In Not The End of The World, McCullough has created a fantastic cosmic fantasy world peopled with fabulous and outrageous bigger-than-life characters on a par with Terry Prachett’s hallucinogenic masterpiece, Discworld: Merc’s boss, Flacker Winterbotham; the non-human yuppie, Mr Brown; the harbinger with dire warnings, Third Degree Representative; spirited young orphan with a social conscience, Alexa Darnhurst; and, of course, Merc’s assistant, the extremely sexy, if somewhat lecherous, Hyacinth Duckworthy, to name a few on the must-read list of invited guests in Not The End of The World.

McCullough’s story-telling ability to keep all the plates spinning is impressive. Effortlessly, she takes your conscious mind out of your own world and guides you into the atmospheric surrealism of Luxuria, smoothly and expertly, with page-turning ease.  The story and writing proceed at a furious breath-taking pace, followed by a conclusion that has you screaming: Roll on the sequel!

I, for one, can’t wait to order my next flight ticket to Luxuria.’

Sam Millar, best-selling author, The Dark Place.